Strange Play With Strangers
by DarlingandDarlinger
Summary: In which Naruto is accosted in the shower by a murderer but distracts him with his blinding wit, or lack thereof. Crack! Gaa/Naru, kind of. Don't take this seriously.


**Warnings:** Non-seriousness, crack, abrupt change of tone, probably mis-use of tenses, language, sexual innuendo and reference, bad things you don't wanna do till you're older, nakedness, implied violence and crime and drugs! Yay!

Naruto got home to his apartment late that night after a hard evening's work. Exhausted and sweaty, he first thing walked to the bathroom to take a shower, stripping clothes as he went through the long, windowed living room. Naruto likes to walk around the house naked. He lives on the sixth floor of a Manhattan apartment complex, and all around him stood towering houses with windows potentially looking into his life. He likes to imagine he gave some hapless soul joy every night when he comes home from work with his little show, perhaps a working mom who settled for a husband she had never been attracted to, a foul man with bad breath and a beer belly, or a greasy porn addict who because of being the victim of childhood teasing never learned to fit in with society and has never even touched a real naked person before.

Of course, nobody really does stuff like that, peering in to naked people's windows. Laughing at his bizarre imagination, Naruto jumps into the shower and turns on the hot water, standing under the shower head and letting droplets run over his face and drip down his hair. "Ahhh," Naruto breathes in relief. The water felt great.

"Pain." The word of warning echoes in Naruto's small bathroom, accompanied only by the steady stream of rushing water coming from above. Naruto stands still, naked and wet and uncomprehending. The thought that Pain, his guru from the Buddhist-gone-awry religious circle, aptly named Circle of Unending Nirvana, was coming to get him for skipping out on meditation occurs to him. Truthfully, the group scares him shitless; he'd only joined because he thought it was a tribute to Kurt Cobain, something they hopefully hadn't picked up on.

He thinks this until a cool body curls about behind him…. the mush of lips mouthing the shell of his ear… a hand fondling him in a personal matter. The hairs on the back of Naruto's neck stand up, and revulsion fills his body.

"So not fucking cool," Naruto breathes, not knowing what else to say as the last testament to the world.

The mouth leaves his ear abruptly. "Excuse me?" the person still holding onto Naruto's dick says, taken-aback.

"You're excused!" Naruto groans fearfully, clutching his eyes shut in terror, "Just don't kill me!"

"Damn," the man behind him says, "Well, this sucks."

"If you want! Anything you want!" Naruto gasps, trying to turn around a panic. However, the hold on his genitals does not release, and the murderer's other hand takes a firm hold of his hip, keeping him in place with a grip of steel.

"Oh, my god, I am so sorry," the person says, sounding apologetic and out-of-place, more the voice of neighbor who accidentally brought over macadamia nut cookies and you're allergic instead of a crazy person leaving thumb prints on Naruto's hip.

"Uh…"

"And you know I mean it, because I never apologize. Shit, I don't have to. I'm a murderer. I kill people when they piss me off, kind of negates the need." The murderer laughs at his sorry joke and his voice drops an octave into the realm of grim-reaper-dom, but at Naruto's lack of response stills and clears his throat. "Wow. This is awkward. Well, here goes- I got the wrong guy."

Naruto's hammering heart pauses. Wait. What? "You got the _wrong guy_?"

"Yeah… wow… this has never happened to me before," the killer muses in disbelief. He sounds regretful, like a year old man who got their first ticket after 60 years of driving. _Such a shame._

Naruto's thoughts are having trouble catching up to his mouth. Inhale, inhale, inhale. No exhale. Scream. Help, stupid, scream for help. This guy is insane. Naruto know he has to kill him now, before the man kills him for being a witness to his insane plans. And if not, the man still admitted to having an actual target- in order to protect the next real victim… what could he kill a murderer with while in a compromised position in the shower with? Back scrubber… shampoo bottle… old ramen cup… Augusten Burrough's new novel… what is that doing in the shower? Oh, God, he was hallucinating- no, no, that was actually there. (That book was trippy, though).

"Dammit!" Naruto flinches when the murderer hits the linoleum tile with his fist before muttering darkly, "I planned this for weeks!" The Augusten Burroughs novel slid off the rim of the tub and into the cascading shower water.

Oh, nun-uh. That was the straw on the camel's back.

Was that a _whine_? The molester was _whining to him_? _In his shower? While he ravaged his paperbacks?_

"You kill people! It's not that hard! Locate, kill!" Naruto screeches incredulously. "What planning? How- what- what planning could you possibly- you- no! What the hell am I talking about? This is my house! My shower! This situation should not even be happening!"

Oh, the horror, Naruto thinks to himself. How does screaming for help translate into an incoherent tirade of rage?

Murderer guy gives a little gasp. "Fuck you, this is a complicated job- I don't see you doing it! No, you just follow the man, like a little sheep! And living in this crap apartment complex!"

Crap apartment complex? Sure, there was no cabinet doors anymore... and for working hot water he ran down into the neighbors bathroom downstairs while he was at work (always making sure to get back by five p.m., when his ever-unknowing facilitator of hygiene returned home from the office)… and yeah, the windows were duck-taped in the front to keep from falling apart…. But still. Total low blow.

"_I _could kill someone better than you! Just kill them!_ Die!_ _Dead! I cannot believe your nerve! _I'm working at TenTen's_- for godsakes- _and you just waltz in here_- don't even have to pay taxes- not like your providing a damn service, but it must be such a burden- Bitching about criminal activity! Of all things! I don't want to hear it! _And yeah, I admit the apartment's crap… its temporary… that's what I keep telling myself, anyways… _why are you touching my dick!"_

Mr. Murderer is silent, until a moment later he imparts, as though continuing a conversation, "It really is a crap apartment. There's just no excuse…"

"Really? That bad?" Naruto knew it.

Mr. Murderer makes a face. How easily distracted was this guy? "Yeah."

"Even as, like, maybe a starting apartment? Like, cute college-student apartment while experiencing independence and absence of materialism for the first time?"

"Yeah, still... Was that what you were trying to justify it with?"

"Huh. Well, yeah."

"That's so lame."

"Well, you know, that's easy for you to say. You took the easy way out. You live beyond the law. I'm a contribituing citizen. I keep the economy going."

The murderer flinches a moment of shame. "It's not like I had a lot of options, you know!"

Naruto shakes his head, "Now look here- what's your name?"

"…Gaara," Gaara says lowly.

"-Gaara, we all have choices in life. Am I saying I had it easy? No, I didn't. In fact, I went through a lot of shit and pitfalls. But that's life. We just gotta keep it moving, you know? Don't give up, ever. Believe it."

"What, did your puppy get run over when you were twelve?"

"No, actually. My parents abandonded me young and I grew up being traded through the foster system. That's a real fucked up system, man."

"Oh, for sure. Corrupt." Gaara sympthatizes.

"A real bummer."

"Think how it reflects on our country," Gaara offers.

"Dude, that's so true."

"Why would anyone offer monetary incentives for child care? Just… Jesus Christ."

"Well, yeah, among other pit-falls. I had to leave 'cause of this guy named Mizuki. Real creeper. Some of the things he wanted, man, a kid just couldn't do."

"Thrown into the adult world too young, huh?"

"Oh, yeah. So, when I saved up enough money I just got the hell out of there."

"How'd you earn it?"

"Strip club," Naruto explained.

"Oh." Gaara furrowed his brow. Wait a second... "Oh?"

"So that's what I'm saying. I had to work my way out of my situation. And you can too." Naruto peered over his shoulder with wide, tense eyes. Had he made a break-through? Gaara was staring up at the showerhead in reverie. He looked like he had seen the face of God.

After a long moment.

And another.

"… I've seen something in life I've been missing for a long time," Gaara says, gaze not wavering from the showerhead.

"Oh, good!" Naruto sighs in relief. Mr. Murderer has seen the light. He's safe to go.

"Is that a pulse point shower-head?" Gaara says with unfaltering intensity.

"…excuse me?"

"It is. I'd recognize one anywhere. It had dual-direction shooting action and rotating spiral water flow."

"Oh. Sounds… clean?" Naruto says, at a loss.

"Among other things," Gaara raises his eyebrows.

Naruto gapes, "_Oh_, I had no _idea_…" Dual-directions shooting action?

Gaara lets out a little laugh. Naruto joins in.

"We could…" Gaara begins. Naruto frowns. They were getting a little off track.

"Perhaps another time. In the meantime, we need to work on your path in life, Gaara. This is serious."

"Mmm-hmmm."

"Put down the shower head, please." Naruto chides, though patiently.

The redhead gives a pout. "Fine!"

"Ok, so, let's take it from the top. What led you to become a murderer."

"…I got _really _bored."

Naruto throws up his hands. "That's it! If you won't take this seriously-"

"No, really. I lived in Iowa."

"Oh, _God_." And according to Pain, Naruto didn't even believe in God. He believed in the never-ending cycle of all-consuming suffering.

"We had cows," Gaara says quietly, "And dairy products… but after that…"

"I had no idea…" Naruto murmurs, "And murder was your only option."

Gaara nods his head fervently. Out slips a single tear, saturated black from the large globs of eye-liner in its path of travel. "You see? How could I become a nice, capable… what do you do again?"

"Oh, I'm a drug dealer."

"Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me." Oh, shit. Murderous intent is back.

"No?" Naruto tries.

"I got a holier-than-thou lecture from a drug-dealer?"

Naruto stomped his foot on the shower floor. "Oh, fuck you! I am so sick of this! Drugs bring joy to people's lives! Murdering ends lives! There is no comparison!"

"What about poor little disformed dope babies? Huh? Huh? What about that, you fuck!" Gaara shook Naruto back and forth like a magic eight ball. "Where's my damn knife? I left my knife? Mother of God! I'm just-" his voice cracked, "f-falling to pieces! I can't even pull of a low-level murder! The only thing I want to do with my life.. and I don't care what you say, because it brings my joy, always has… so faithful…" Gaara bowed his head in quiet sobs.

Naruto attempts to turn around in his grip, finds it is still melded like steel, grits his teeth and pulls free with a weird sucking sound, and wraps his arms around Gaara's shaking form. "There, there… I understand…" Naruto jumped when the grip was returned eagerly.

"… pulse-point shower…?" Gaara begs into Naruto's neck.

"N-oooooo." Naruto whines.

"Fuck you… and your stupid, crappy apartment…" Gaara sobs, though his voice has cleared up a little, so it seems he's pulling it back together. Naruto shakes out his naked form. Thank goodness. It was so embarrassing to see grown criminals cry!

Gaara continues, "and fuck your stupid Augusten Burroughs novel… it's not even a novel, it's a goddamn memoir…"

Ok, Naruto knows he shouldn't rise to the bait, but he can't help it."At least I don't accost the wrong victim!" He blurted

The sniffling starts again before morphing into outrage. "I could've sworn he lives here! That little douche! I was so close! Aghhh!" the hapless murderer protests, slapping Naruto's wet, tan thigh for emphasis, leaving little red marks and making the fat wiggle. "So close!"

"Ow! Stop that," Naruto hisses, jumping at each slap, "Nobody lives here besides me! Dipshit!"

The murderer moans fervently, "For days! I observed for days! Across the window! I _know_ it was this one, because the hot blond walked around naked next door; as if I could forget that. That sweet ass every night... Definitely the best planning stage of a murder I've ever had…"

Well, there's his hapless soul. Naruto supposes he only got what was coming to him for such a stupid idea.

"…" Naruto clears his throat.

There is a short silence of confusion on the murderer's part.

Naruto jerks his hands up and gestures to his very nude body in fury. The redhead cranes his head around Naruto's shoulder to take a look. After a long moment of staring at Naruto's groin, which is still grasped in the redhead's hand, the murderer whistles.

"_Damn_," the murderer says, in both recognition and appreciation, "My mistake. That was quite a show, I _must_ say." He gives a little laugh.

"Oh. Yeah, totally. Glad you… enjoyed it." Ha de ha fucking ha. Still, but at least now the man knows him. And appreciates him; at least, parts of him. Maybe he can get out of this alive.

"Oh, sure thing man. Whooh. Wow, crazy day." The murderer tosses his head and shakes out his shoulder as he says this, and Naruto can feel every minute of it. Muscles and joints tensing and jumping about behind him. Dangerous muscles and joints. Naruto's brain takes a serious dip into vertigo, this feels so surreal, but although for a moment it seems close, his legs do not buckle and his voice does not shake when Naruto speaks.

"Yeah, crazy shit. Who knew I'd meet a _fan_ in such a silly mistake?" Naruto says in a fake jovial tone, "I mean, _close shave_. Ha ha… ha…" Naruto trails off with the realization the murderer is rubbing his privates with his thumb. And then the skin nearby. Skin where Naruto has shaved.

"I'll say," the redhead whispers, his fingers tracing skin, leaving Naruto with the feeling he has walked into a chasm of his own making.

"So you'll let me go?"_ I want to live, I want to live…_

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure," the murderer reassures. Naruto cannot detect if his tone is _too_ amiable or just amiable. "But first- pulse-point water rotating action…?" Gaara gives a demented little half-grin.

Naruto figures this is divine retribution. He nods.

_Oh_, what the hell, Naruo thinks as Gaara brandishes the showerhead with glee. "Who first?"

**A/N:** I'm sorry to anyone in foster systems, dope babies, murder victims, people who've been jumped in the shower, people with crappy apartments, anyone with pulse-point showerheads (if that exists), people who like Augusten Burroughs (me), people who like Kurt Cobain (me), people in semi-religious cults (not me), and anyone who took this seriously… please don't.


End file.
